The Big Fart Theory
by ben1981
Summary: Something stinks when Leonard, Sheldon, Howard, Raj, and Penny all come down with a bad case of the farts. Rated M for language and adult content.
1. Chapter 1: Penny Farts

The Big Fart Theory

written

by

Ben Dover

Attention: This is a fanfic based on characters created for the show Big Bang Theory. I do own any rights to the show or the characters. Just writing this for fun.

Chapter One: Penny Farts

Leonard Hofstadter was watching TV from the couch in his apartment, enjoying his Saturday, when Penny walked in. She shut the door behind her, a dismayed expression on her face.

"Penny, what's wrong?" Leonard asked, turning his attention away from the TV.

Before Penny could answer, she farted rather loudly. She then started to say something, and yet another fart ripped out of her bunghole.

"That's what's wrong. I can't stop farting," Penny said, bursting into tears.

"Now, now. Come over here and let me console you," Leonard said.

Penny ran to the couch and sat beside Leonard. He put his arm around her.

"Why is this happening now. I have a hot date tonight," Penny said, wiping the tears off of her face.

"Don't you have a hot date every night?" Leonard asked.

"Yeah, but this one's even hotter than usual. He has a nine-inch penis," Penny said, perking up.

"How do you know that?" Leonard asked.

"He sent me a picture of it on my phone," Penny said.

"Can I see it?" Leonard asked sheepishly.

"Sure," Penny said, playing around on her phone.

Penny handed Leonard her phone with the picture of a big dick showing. Leonard looked at the picture, a devilish grin forming on his face.

"Damn! I'm not even gay, and I'd suck that big dick!" Leonard said, laughing.

"Give me that back, you homo!" Penny said, snatching her phone from Leonard.

"Wow, this is quite a day for you. Gassy and bitchy," Leonard said, smirking.

"This isn't funny," Penny said, farting yet again.

Leonard laughed at Penny, pinching his nose.

"Did you go to the store to pick up some Gas-X?" Leonard asked.

"I went to every store that sells it. Everyone was inexplicably sold out. And I got about one hundred dirty looks from people who heard me fart," Penny said, erupting into tears.

"Don't worry about this. Your gas will eventually pass," Leonard said, laughing uproariously.

"Forget it. I don't know why I came to you for help. You were no help last year when I got explosive diarrhea on the same day I was supposed to shoot a commercial. And you're no help now," Penny said, getting up from the couch.

Penny strode to Leonards door and opened it, not bothering to shut it. Leonard stared at his open door, his mouth agape.

"Christ, it smells like a Mexican took a shit in here," Leonard said.

He then got up to shut the door.


	2. Chapter 2: Penny Farts Again!

Chapter Two: Penny Farts...Again!

Penny bumped into Sheldon downstairs in their apartment building. She then farted.

"Excuse me," Penny said, blushing.

"You're excused, even though your farts smell like a Mexican defecating," Sheldon said flatly.

"Yeah, sorry about that. I kind of have a farting problem today," Penny said, cringing.

"I know. The whole town is buzzing about it," Sheldon said.

"What? The whole town?" Penny asked, obviously outraged.

"Well, when you go into Wal-Mart on a quest for Gas-X while farting every nanosecond, people are going to talk," Sheldon replied.

Penny then noticed that Sheldon was holding a white bag.

"So, what's in the bag?" Penny asked.

"Oh, I ordered some food to go from that new Chinese Restaurant up the street," Sheldon answered.

"Oh, yeah. What's the restaurant called?" Penny asked, followed by a juicy fart.

"The name of the restaurant is Me Love You Long Time's. And for God's sake, Penny. I haven't heard a woman fart so much since I walked in on my grandmother taking a crap," Sheldon said, shaking his head.

"I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me today," Penny said.

"Maybe you should have a bowel movement," Sheldon said.

"I've already had two bowel movements today, thank you very much," Penny said.

"What a coincidence. So have I. And one of my logs looked like President Barack Obama. I took a picture," Sheldon said, half-grinning.

"Well, as much as I am enjoying this conversation, I have a date that I need to go on," Penny said, followed by two farts.

"You're going on a date in your condition? I hate to break it to you, Penny, but most men don't like women who frequently pass gas from their rectal region," Sheldon said.

"Well, thanks for your support, Sheldon," Penny said sarcastically, before storming off.

"You're welcome," Sheldon said.

Sheldon then started walking toward the stairs that led to his and Leonard's apartment.


	3. Chapter 3: Leonard Farts!

Chapter Three: Leonard Farts!

Sheldon entered his and Leonard's apartment to find Leonard, Raj, and Howard all sitting in the living room watching TV. Sheldon was carrying the bag full of Chinese Food.

"Oh, thank God. No one is sitting in my spot," Sheldon said in relief.

"Of course not. The last time I sat in your spot, you made me suck you off while you were taking a dump," Leonard said, a look of disgust on his face.

"That was our little secret, Leonard," Sheldon said, pointing his finger at Leonard.

"Will you just come over here and give us our food. I'm hungry after taking that big ass shit today. I dropped a fourteen inch turd, and I feel thirty pounds lighter," Howard said, rubbing his belly.

"Ugh! Now I think I've lost my appetite," Leonard said, shaking his head.

"Nonsense. I would think you'd be quite used to Howard's potty talk by now," Sheldon said, smirking.

"I know I'm used to it. Howard always talks about his bowel movements while we're making sweet, tender, passionate love," Raj said.

"What the fuck! Stop making shit up, Raj," Howard said angrily.

"I'm not making it up. Don't you remember last night. While I was licking your ass, you told me about the three deuces that you dropped just a few minutes prior," Raj said.

"Now, I really have lost my appetite. I think I'm going to be sick," Leonard said, looking ill.

"Raj, stop lying or your nose will grow," Howard said.

"Oh, like your dick grows every time I'm sucking you?" Raj asked.

"Will you two fairies go discuss your love life somewhere else. I want to eat," Sheldon said, giving everyone their food.

"We don't have a love life. I like girls. I eat pussy, not hairy man ass," Howard said defensively.

"That's not what you said last night, while you were tongue fucking my hairy poop chute!" Raj retorted.

"All right, guys. Cut it out, before I find all new friends," Leonard said.

"So, I ran into Penny downstairs," Sheldon said, sitting down in spot on the couch.

"Really? Is she still gassy?" Leonard asked.

"Oh, yes I would say so. And her flatulence smelled like a Mexican defecating," Sheldon said, as he was eating.

"Women farting is so not hot," Howard said.

"Oh, so you're saying that a man farting is hot?" Leonard asked intrusively.

"No, that's not what I'm saying. Stop putting words into my mouth," Howard said.

"That's funny. You tell Leonard to stop putting words into your mouth, but you never tell me to stop putting my cock into your mouth," Raj said, laughing.

Howard picked up a noodle and threw it at Raj. Raj ducked, the noodle barely missing his head.

"Will you two stop acting like toddlers?" Sheldon asked.

"Yeah. You guys are acting like babies. Maybe we should put you in diapers," Leonard said.

"Sometimes Howard makes me wear a diaper during sex. And then I poop in the diaper while Howard watches," Raj said.

"That is enough, you motherfucker!" Howard shouted.

"Well, I'd like to thank you all for a pleasant dinner that I bought with my hard-earned money," Sheldon said sarcastically.

Leonard put down his food and put his hand to his stomach. Then all of a sudden, a loud rumbling fart escaped his butthole. Sheldon, Howard, and Raj all looked at Leonard in bewilderment.

"First Penny, now you. What is this, National Flatulence Day?" Sheldon asked.

"Did you have any dairy today?" Howard asked Leonard.

"Of course not. The last time I ate a dairy product, I was on a date. And I farted the alphabet, without even attempting to," Leonard said.

Leonard farted again, this time even louder and smellier. It prompted the boys to cover their noses.

"I'm sorry. It won't happen again, I promise," Leonard said, obviously embarrassed.

As soon as he got those words out of his mouth, he farted again. And in walked the landlady into the apartment. She was a fat middle-aged black woman named Jackie. And she did not look happy.

"Good Lord. It smells like a Mexican done took a shit up in here," Jackie said, shaking her head.

"Jackie, what are you doing here? We aren't watching the BET Awards," Sheldon said.

"I know that, motherfucker. The BET Awards came on last week. Mariah Carey's skinny ass lip-synched. Now, the reason why I'm here is because I smelled something terrible coming from down the hall. Can someone please explain to me why it smells like a white woman's pussy in here," Jackie demanded.

"Leonard can't stop passing gas," Sheldon said.

Leonard farted yet again, and Jackie's eyes nearly popped out of her head.

"Boy, you need some Gas-X or something. I would give you some of mine, but I'm saving all that shit for me. This bitch gets bad gas from time to time, too," Jackie said.

"Thanks, Jackie. You've been a real big help," Leonard said.

"Howard was a real big help to me last night when he was fucking my butt," Raj said excitedly.

"I wasn't fucking your butt last night. I was fucking your mom's butt, and it felt pretty damn good!" Howard said.

"Dude, how you could you fuck my mom's butt? She's in India. Besides, I know for a fact that she has a bad case of hemorrhoids. So, I doubt you'd want to tap that shit," Raj said.

"Look, I don't care who's fucking who in the ass. All I care about is one of you needs to spray some air freshener up in this motherfucker," Jackie said.

Jackie then left the apartment, and the boys watched her leave. Sheldon then sighed.

"I miss her already," Sheldon said sarcastically.

"I think I'm going to go to the bathroom and try to take a shit. Maybe, then all of this farting will cease," Leonard said, getting up from the couch while farting.


End file.
